What I Almost Was

Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place | And I can picture it after all these days |
I know it’s long gone and that magic’s not here no more | And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all | It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Tomorrow my ex-boyfriend is getting married. I know, people break-up all the time, things don’t work out and people move on and other than an occasional major event like tomorrow’s, for the most part, the past remains the past. Most of my friends now are unfamiliar with the existence and history of my past relationships and when they learn the fact that I was once in a six-year relationship, their responses are usually all the same: shocked, jaw-dropped, ‘wait, you what?’ and always followed by the question, “Why??”

I did some research on things that take six years to happen. According to a Google search, it takes six years to:

  1. Earn $61.5 million playing football
  2. Sit on a couch
  3. Wait for the Cranberries to reunite
  4. Have a baby turn six-years-old
  5. Get a Ph.D.

Okay, so I couldn’t find cooler facts, but seriously, six years is a long time – a lot (or not so much) can happen in this amount of time.

The inevitability of tomorrow got me thinking and how the two people both him and I used to be, no longer exist. In fact, I can hardly remember that Sarah. The one who used to fear speaking out in public spaces, who avoided leftover boxes at restaurants and who believed life’s order to happiness was graduate, get a job, get married, have kids and grow old. And as much as I could have been content living in my suburbia normalcy, I can’t imagine all the exciting adventures I would have missed out on. Like…

Six-Year-Relationship-Sarah (S.Y.R.S.) would never have the guts to move to a new city not knowing anybody. S.Y.R.S. would not know how to pitch musicians for media coverage or know how to walk an artist down the red carpet or know what a line feed meant. S.Y.R.S. would never have the guts to call a boy fearlessly and tell him she likes him. S.Y.R.S. wouldn’t dream of walking into parties and weddings not knowing anyone and having to make conversation with a stranger.

There are times when we think our life is taking a detour, a momentary “turn for the worse.” Whether it’s an extended detour into singleness or unemployment or whatever we connect to our happiness, let’s be honest, this detour can bum us out.

My friends know me as a dreamer. I don’t want to live in proverbial boxes or behind white picket fences, I want to do things and say things that are different, that changes things and move people. Six-Year-Relationship-Sarah was also a dreamer. But her dreams were filled in notebooks of bouquets and wedding cake designs. To be honest, I was content in my proverbial box and I was going to deck it out in black and white with pops of green.

Dreams change and people change, but I know in the moment when you’re watching your life crash and burn before you, it’s hard to see any sign of a silver lining. But don’t doubt that our God isn’t a more brilliant dreamer than you. He dreams beyond bigger pictures and fluffy white gowns and although your plans may be changing, His is staying the same – evolving into something better.

Thanksgiving is coming up and we usually spend this holiday slathering on the things we’re most thankful for in our lives and wrap them up in a perfect, little fall bow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond thankful for my friends, my job, the roof over my head, the introduction to the TV show “Revenge,” Frothy Monkey and all of that…but when was the last time you thanked God for pulling the trump card over your plans?

One day, you’ll be able to look back on your once broken dreams – maybe on your ex-boyfriend’s wedding day – and find yourself taking a huge sigh of relief. This weekend, I am thankful to be spending it like any other weekend and not as the girl prepping for a rehearsal dinner and getting ready for a wedding that was never meant for me. Instead, I’ll spend my weekend at delicious brunches, getting a fabulous facial, going to the flea market and spending time with my favorite people in my favorite city.

And I thank God for who I am, and not the girl I almost was.

(Photo Credit)

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One thought on “What I Almost Was

  1. Sarah Smith says:

    Great post. My favorite yet!

    Sarah V. Smith

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